I interviewed for a new job last week - Web design & PHP. I was very upfront that I was largely self-taught and didn't have the experience they might expect from someone with, y'know, an actual degree, but they told me not to worry about it, that I was highly trainable and they were impressed that I'd taught myself enough PHP in two weeks to put together a project for them. I walked away from that interview with the impression that I pretty much had that job in the bag.
This afternoon (finally, ugh), the interviewer got back to me. No, they really wanted someone with More Experience, but would I be willing to start with them on a part-time basis for a couple of months and see how it goes?
........now look, on paper this is a really good deal, right? It's fantastic that they're willing to train a complete newbie in complicated programming stuff rather than just look for someone who already knows their shit. This is a foot in the door that I'd probably never get anywhere else. Worse comes to worst it's a couple of months' of job training I can put on my CV for the next time I'm job-hunting. I should be thrilled.
I'm not thrilled.
Partially it's that current retail gig is eating my sanity and my health (srs, another three months in those awful safety shoes and my feet are just going to fall off in protest), and part of it is - just - I thought I had this. I thought I had secured a Real Grownup Job in something I was good at, something whose job requirements weren't two brain cells and a pulse, something where I could finally tell myself I was worth something after all, after all of my failures. Eight hours a week might be a step in the right direction, but I'll only be able to know that in hindsight. Right now it's just an extra drum added to the constant drum beat of 'not good enough, not good enough, not good enough.'
I mean, I accepted it, don't get me wrong. Like I said, anything that might get me out of current job.
...nngh. I told myself I'd work on the next chapter of OBW this weekend, but somehow all my brain wants to focus on are little scenelets of Galvatron/Rodimus porn.