Wanderer's Rest

between one thing (politics, see previous posts) and another (theftgen AI now being used for basically everything I was ever even within spitting distance of decent at) it's getting more and more difficult to be hopeful about the future. Not, like, The Future, although that too, but just my personal future.

b/c Cost Of Living Crisis, my part-time minimum wage job isn't cutting it anymore, but thanks to being a college dropout with spotty knowledge of my chosen profession I'm not really qualified for anything better. also, AI invading the coding world and I want n-o-t-h-i-n-g to do with that. and making a living with fiction writing seems more out of reach than ever. I would need to severely up my wordcount to make that viable, and I would basically need a new brain in order to do that. And I definitely can't do it if I have to take on a full-time job.

I wonder if there's a market for, like 'certified AI-free website development!' for people like me who aren't comfortable with the way the arc of history is bending. Like, I'm no more prepared for freelancing than I am for any other aspect of Web 3.Suck, but there has to be an audience for that, right? But almost by default those aren't the type of people who can afford a bespoke website, who sell their stuff on Etsy or Shopify or similar places. Not sure I can compete in that market.

i was hoping to finish one more chapter of Fluffiroth by the end of the year, and maybe possibly post some Zelda fic as well. unfortunately i slipped on an icy patch last night and fractured my shoulder, leaving my dominant hand in a sling for at least the next couple weeks, and even typing this out with my left hand is slow and awkward. so it doesn't look like that's gonna happen.

oh well. clearly i need to spend my convalescence reading fanfic.

today we had an impromptu date night. there was a light parade (a bunch of motorcycles tricked out in LED lights and sometimes the riders were wearing costumes) and fireworks, and I bought a light-up sword because I am actually five. :D

i just really wanted to tell someone about the sword. X3

So I caught a clip of John Oliver talking to Seth Meyers about the queen running down the bloody curtain and joining the Choir Invisible, etc, and in it he talks about a supermarket chain making the beeps of the registers quieter out of respect for the dead lady and how ridiculous that was, and I thought, "No disrespect, but you have clearly never worked retail."

See, here's the thing. ( The thing is... )

at the beginning of the year I decided to give up on short stories for a while and really try to at least start on my novel.

i have made that promise to myself every year for the past five years. it has never, ever, once worked.

and now I keep finding submission calls for various short story publications.

i mean, I might as well...

so I was in fact ordered back to work at Terrible Retail Job. I lasted about a week before handing in my notice.

The customers have been about as expected: a few good eggs, a few unlikeable jerks, most people don't even seem to notice anything's much different. What pushed me over the edge was my supervisor telling me off every time I raise my voice to be heard through my cloth mask. Apparently anything over a whisper makes me sound like a Raging Bitchmonster. So, y'know, my generally unpleasant appearance and irritating voice strikes again. -_-

She did it again today and we actually got into an argument 'cause I didn't do my usual sad 'okay' and actually stood up for myself for once. She said 'if you can't [change the way your voice naturally sounds, because apparently I am required to be Frank Fucking Welker], then you can leave.' I said, 'Do you mean that, because I will.' And she didn't exactly shut up but it did take the wind out of her sails and I didn't hear about it again for the rest of the day.

I really mean it though. One more word about my voice and I will remember that I just got a stimulus check and a promise of a job after quarantine's over. Bitch. Try. Me. I. Will. Not. Hesitate. But Supervisor Karen's off this weekend so I'm at least gainfully employed until next Friday. ;P

I've been fired from a job for stupid reasons but I've never walked off a job before. Could be interesting.

So I've been with the Web Stuff Job for over two months now. Last week, after two damn weeks of trying, I finally got ahold of my boss long enough to ask if I can be given more hours now please I have been very good?

...as you can probably guess from this post's title, the answer was not a yes.

Wasn't a no, either, which is why I'm singing the tide is high but I'm hooooldin' on still. Apparently they're trying to get a couple more projects on board? So my fate is in the hands of people I have never even met. Great. -_-

Honest to god I'm considering starting to look for something else right now. I like this job, for what it's worth! But I am so desperate to quit the hardware store. It's ruining my feet and my mental health in roughly equal measure, and I'm so exhausted from it that I can't help my partner around the house as much as she really needs me to, let alone write as much as I want to.

and, well, I hate this limbo.

I interviewed for a new job last week - Web design & PHP. I was very upfront that I was largely self-taught and didn't have the experience they might expect from someone with, y'know, an actual degree, but they told me not to worry about it, that I was highly trainable and they were impressed that I'd taught myself enough PHP in two weeks to put together a project for them. I walked away from that interview with the impression that I pretty much had that job in the bag.

This afternoon (finally, ugh), the interviewer got back to me. No, they really wanted someone with More Experience, but would I be willing to start with them on a part-time basis for a couple of months and see how it goes?

........now look, on paper this is a really good deal, right? It's fantastic that they're willing to train a complete newbie in complicated programming stuff rather than just look for someone who already knows their shit. This is a foot in the door that I'd probably never get anywhere else. Worse comes to worst it's a couple of months' of job training I can put on my CV for the next time I'm job-hunting. I should be thrilled.

I'm not thrilled.

Partially it's that current retail gig is eating my sanity and my health (srs, another three months in those awful safety shoes and my feet are just going to fall off in protest), and part of it is - just - I thought I had this. I thought I had secured a Real Grownup Job in something I was good at, something whose job requirements weren't two brain cells and a pulse, something where I could finally tell myself I was worth something after all, after all of my failures. Eight hours a week might be a step in the right direction, but I'll only be able to know that in hindsight. Right now it's just an extra drum added to the constant drum beat of 'not good enough, not good enough, not good enough.'

I mean, I accepted it, don't get me wrong. Like I said, anything that might get me out of current job.

...nngh. I told myself I'd work on the next chapter of OBW this weekend, but somehow all my brain wants to focus on are little scenelets of Galvatron/Rodimus porn.

...

::flops facedown::